I Need You.

This past weekend I was went to a Christian Youth and Young Adult Conference. The theme was REAL, and we had speakers such as Carl Lentz, Phil Cann, Justin Reimer and Aaron Gillespie (Yes, the Drummer of underOath and front man of The Almost).

I've got to say, the topic which Aaron preached was powerful. He is definitely doing the work of God, and is completely legit. Aaron spoke of giving back Love in a REAL way. Before this weekend, I had no idea who Aaron Gillespie, and I had heard very little of underOath, so when he stepped out with his shaggy red hair I was curious. I was so impressed with what he was doing, he was being REAL with us, and he wasn't sugarcoating anything. It was priceless seeing everyones reactions when he said 'pissed off.' There was just this silence over the croud. We were all thinking the same thing, 'Is he allowed to say that in a church?!"
He spoke with such freedom, that people wouldn't judge him. He admitted that he didn't have a filter on his mouth, and he admitted to some humanly things that no christian openly admits to. He does swear sometimes, and he says some things that he shouldn't. I admire that he can admit those things to himself, and to others. I think thats what a true Christian is. Someone who is obvous in their faith, but is honest about their flaws as a human.

I've been listening to 'Dirty and Left Out' by The Almost, and I don't think i've ever heard a song about God that has been so relevent to me.
Before I met Christ I had been participating in Pre-marital Sex, and back then I thought it was alright because I wasn't religous and everyone looses their virginity when they're a teenager. I didn't know any better, and my parents had never told me that I should wait till marriage.
After I was sick of being kicked around my ex-boyfriend I went to a Christian Camp called REV Camp, and that summer, (The summer of 2007) I was saved.
However, I didn't quite grasp why Jesus would love me. I was a sinner, I let a boy touch me where he shouldn't have. If i couldn't forgive myself, how could Jesus? Logically it made no sence to me at the time, but my Pastor, Justin Reimer told me that Jesus fully forgives me if I ask, so on the serface I just left it, because It was a lot easier.
It took me a long time to, firstly, forgive myself for letting my relationship with someone get that far, that fast, and it took me even longer to forgive the boy and his parental unit for letting such a thing happen to a girl that was only 14.

I felt dirty. Like the line in the song "I've been dirtier then you wanna know..." I didn't want to come to God on a bad note, because I felt like I was just using the poor guy. "Dear God, I want everything from you, like your forgiveness and to make me clean, and right now i'm going to give you nothing in return. okay?" Thats how I felt it was happening. I didn't understand that God and Jesus weren't like us. Surely no person would do all that for me and not ask for anything in return, there is no way on earth.
Eventually I came to the realization that God and Jesus are nothing like us. We sin, they don't. Plain and simple. It took me so long to grasp the concept that God doesn't care that I had sex with some stupid boy, or that I intentanally hogged the spot light. All God cared about what that I was now with him. He was seeing me as a beautiful, new pink, tiny Baby. God wanted to nurture me, and help me grow.

Thats how my relationship with God started, and to be honest, I've never even taken this much time to reflect on how I came to God, and all of this has just spewed out of me.

If you're reading this.. I want you to know that You're not alone.
I know you feel like it... trust me. I know.
God doesn't care that you aren't perfect. God loves you, and it is so painful that you are so far from him. It's like being in love with someone. You love them so much that you think about them all day, and you check their facebook profile every two seconds, and you know more about them then they know you know, and when they are away from you your heart actually hurts. It feels like they've ripped it out and took it with them.
Thats how God feels about you.
God loves you, and he wonts to be with you.
All you have to do is truly ask God into your heart, because he wont enter unless you invite him.
Say "Dear God. My life is painful without you. I feel an empty whole in my heart that is shaped just like you. I wish for you too fill my heart to overflowing. I want to love you Jesus, as you have loved me. I ask you now to enter my heart, and never ever leave. In the Lord's name we pray this prayer, Ahmen."


If you prayed this prayer, or wish to know more about Jesus and God, please, contact me.
Email me at Sarie_20@hotmail.com. I would love to talk to you.

Sarah Nutbrown Bourdeau