I'm Dead, left to raught in a hole...

The last time i cryed like this was when i was on the verg of loosing my bestfriend.
Guys aren't worth my tears, but my friends sure are.

I have black streams of tears running down my face.

It all started with a letter... left on a nightstand, next to the clock. That letter wasn't mentioned until a week later. Now i'm in pain. More pain than i have been in, in over a year.

She tells me she is going to change, for the better. She tells me she has changed. I wouldn't be surprised if nothing changed. The same old wave in the hall, that same old smile.

I bet she isn't crying as hard as i am, i bet she isn't even showing any emotion.

She keeps on saying that she is sorry. It's not her fault. i can't blame anything on her. i love too much.



things will never ca=hange, not in my life

I cry cause i can...

a dully inspired idea sparked the revalation.

I still miss him, even though he was never truely here. I was unprotected for 4 days. The first night felt wrong, i felt out of place, but as the nights went by i let it go. I guess they truely are looking out for me, making sure i don't get hurt. well, maybe.

I speak of how i'm going to be, how i'm going to change, but only time will tell.

You fuck with me, i fuck with you. It's a easy as that.
I don't want to come off as a complete bitch...but...

Home away from home.

I've been thrown into this habitat that i haven't called home for a long time. I can't do things that i usually do. I've been limited to the things i've brought, which was only enough to fit in my bag.

My mind wanders as a sleep through the night, wondering when i'm going to wake up.

I'll help her if it kills me, if she doesn't kill me first. i've been doing dumb things, i can't help myself, it's my nature.

Love me eturally, or die without me.

The sun rises in the east, and sets in the west... but it feel the oppost to me...

I've wasted my summer on nothing. Going to bed at 5am and waking up at 2pm.

I thought this one was going to to be better than all the rest, i thought i was going to be happy. i've been neglected and torn apart from the inside. I've realized how much i miss it, but how much i dred going back to them.

With all of my heart i though i was going to be loved, i thought i was going to be cared for. that didn't happen.

I've done more harm than good to myself. I've changed, and now i don't think it was for the better. I feel like crying but my eyes have run dry. Every time i force it i always end up screaming.

The obuse against myself makes me feel human again. They don't know.
I worry about you, and you don't even know my name. I worry about how you're feeling, i worry about what you might try and pull.

You've helped me though the worse, and made me realize that i don't have to take this. But i'm too afraid to change. Too afraid to know what other people think about it.

"I constanly think that he's gay. I'm serious."

My friends know this all too well. But they don't believe me.

You put a smile to my face. I can see the pain in your eyes, i know that you are holding it back, only to let it all out in the comfort of your childhood room. you say that he is perfect beond comparison. I used to think that, until she walked away.

i depend on your love. But it never comes.
I depend on my own belief, only to have major regrets later.

I fear for my life, not because someone is after me, but because I'M after me.

You fucked up. Now I hate you.

On friday i'm going to see an unprefestional showing of "Cats!" at the Act. My friend Naomi invited me. I'm only going to make fun of all the fruits. Yah, i know, mean.

I've been feeling rather neglected. You pass me by and don't even care about how it makes me feel. But when i do that to you, you get upset. You used to hold me, now you stare. You shove your hands in your pockets and shrug. Fuck you! You know how i feel. I called out your name, and you didn't even notice. What's wrong with you?

I'm gunna go work on my story some more.

I feel like turning my music up, but my sister threatened to slit my throght if i did. I told her to go ahead.

I am the sheets on your bed, i wont ask you where you've been.

I'm actually kind of tired. I've been writing all day long. Four whole chapters.
I just started the 5th. I'm going to post it in buzznet and/or LiveJournal when i'm finished it.
I bet people are going to hate it, But i don't care. Actually, i do care, i've been spending all of my time on that thing, and if people don't like it, or opprisate it, they should just stop reading.

I've been feeling uneasy about you. I have a suspition that you don't like me anymore. Heck, i have a suspition that you don't like girls in general anymore.
Don't lie to me anymore, tell the truth. I promise i wont get mad (maybe).


who shot that arrow in your throut? who missed that crimson apple?
I have a new found love for The Hush Sound. They make me swoon when i'm in a good mood.

Momma, you might wanna sing...

I have no clue what i was thinking.
Last night at around 2am i desided to give myself a Tattoo.
Nothing impressive, just a little 'X' on my ankle. It's very faded, i guess i didn't poke enough holes.
It's in black ink, but now it's all red and puffy.


It's hard to say that i miss you, but i do. I miss your every word, your every touch to the soul. It makes my heart ache. The more i write the more it hurts.

I'm exspecting to get yelled at when either my Dad or my Sister find out about my Tattoo, i almost just got cot. oh well, i don't regret what i did, it's only little.

Lets get these teen hearts beating faster!

I'm finally starting to get my normal sleeping patterns back. I'm actually kinda tierd. I know you probably aren't, or you have already crashed. You are so unpredictible, yet, so predictable.

I guess it really doesn't matter what i say about you, you wont never take the time to read this.

Do you mind if i just slit my wrists and die? no? of course you wouldn't.

I'm Sorry, i'm not always like this. Sometimes i'm actually cheerful, but right now i'm just very... how would you say it? it's kind of a cross between mad and disappionted. If you didn't have the time, then you shouldn't do it. Now, don't get me wrong, i'm not telling you to quite, i'm just telling you make the time.


Please and Thank You.

"And thats the last time he saw his father alive"

I miss them.

I miss their words, i miss their humor. Pictures aren't enough, i need the real people.
That is nearly imposible though. I am just a little "kid", why would they want to hold a conversation with me? They wouldn't, that's the problem.

I see their faces looking down at me and i figure that they are looking after me, but they aren't. They don't even know that i exist.


I have had the same song such in my head for they past day. I can't remember what it's called, but it's the new one by 30 seconds to mars. I think i might look into them, they might be good.

Next year i am determined to meet my idiols, and i will say more than, "Hi, can you please sign this?" or "can i have a picture?"
I haven't figured out what i'm going to say, but i have awhile to think it threw.

Don't ignore me, i'm alive too.

I wake up, and i feel alone...

Been feeling rather anti-social latley. People have been asking me where i have been.
I feel like making up this huge ass story about an alien abduction, but i don't think people will believe me.

Lying on the bathroom floor, bleeding from every heartbreak known to man. When the lights go out, i'm alone with my thoughts.


A couple of days ago I remembered how much fun it was to be obsessed, but it takes alot of work, and make you feel wierd. I know, crazybrains.

Surrender to my will, love me for life, or just leave me.

Went shopping for new clothes and a new personality.

Why is it that new things make you happy?
Maybe its just because it wasn't my money.

I'm always trying too hard to be someone i'm not. I try to make people believe that i'm better than i am, but i'm no better than you.

Soft crying in the middle of the night. Why does that rain so true for me? I remembered an old friend the other night. I strated to cry, because i realized that i might not ever be able to have the good times that i used to. She didn't try to compete with me, so put me down.

She constantly told me that i'm so funny, and that i good times are rolling, like a shitty porno in my mind. Why can't everyone in the world be nice? What are the benifits to being mean? do you feel better about yourself, you dumb fuck.

I was reading some year old posts from HeyChris. I hate how fucking mean he is, be some of the things he says is so fucking true.

Where is the romance? Did romance ever truely esist?

That Fancy Kid Never Told Me How Hard It Would Be...

My Dad just went to bed, and now i'm the only one up in my house.
I took so pictures today, heres alittle sample ^

Yah, okay, so i'm not the prettiest to look at, but i bet you aren't either.
People always swoon over every little picture he takes, i don't understand it.
He must hate alot of his pictures, and must be self-concious[sp?]. They always say that they will love him forever, but what if he laughed in your face and called you a fatass? would you love him then?

I admit, he is man-pretty, but most of thoughs are photoshoped magazine pictures. When he isn't wearing makeup you can see his flaws, almosts as easally as you can see that he hurts on the inside.

I ain't nobody's fool you know, 'cause i don't need you sympathy.

The People In My Dreams Think I'm Crazy, I Guess That Says Something...

I just finished playing Solitare with real cards, and i didn't even cheat, i was hard, but i won.
I think i'm in a better mood today than i was in yesterday. I have no clue why.

I know that i over think things, i always have, always will. It's great to know that i can just put it all out of my mind and everything seems to be okay again. My feeling play tricks on me, like a fun game of "lets make her cry."

All day long i have been watching vidoes and interviews, atleast i haven't had enough contact with the outside world to piss anyone off.

My Summer has been uneventful. I think i might start doing stuff that i promised myself at the begining of summer. Next year i'm going to be smart, and anti-socail, cause every time i open my mouth, bad things happen. Lunches spent doing homework, free time spent reading.

n.e.r.d = Person who is going to make it in life.

She fell into dark oblivion, and on one even noticed.

I have bruses on my legs,
I have fallen so many times,
Next time i just wont get up.

I have scars on my wrists,
I have cut so many times,
I'll probably just bleed to death.


A few weeks ago i had this dream that my entire family hated me. My father raped me on a nightly bases, and told me that he wasn't the one that was the bad guy, i brought it on myself. One day while i was sitting on my porch, my father came up to me and said, "i'm sorry Sarah, no one loves you anymore, you don't deserve to live" and then he killed me.

Last night i had a dream that a couple sertin celebrities came to my Birthday party, it was cool because none of my friends knew who the hell they were. When i woke up this morning, i realized that it was just a dream.

Too bad...